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  • Writer's pictureAshley

Could 90's music REALLY be the answer?

I have never found being carefree, playful and fun easy......well unless I was high or drunk. Then I was your girl. I realize now that my addiction to Ecstasy and alcohol was for this very reason, with the lower inhibitions I was FINALLY able to have fun, not care what other people think and actually FEEL joy.

My inner child holds so much pain, anguish and sorrow. Even before my mom passed away life wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and all of that is stored within all the cells in my body. While I can't recall all the details, just fragmented parts, I know with 100% certainty that I was robbed of a fun, carefree and easy childhood.

When we are raised in environments that don't foster and encourage playfulness the right side of our brain becomes stagnant. The right side of the brain is often referred to as the creative side of our brain, where the left side is more logical and analytical. This is compounded when we are predominately celebrated as kids for being productive. An example could be the better we did in school the more celebration, and when not doing well in a certain subject being punished. This helps to foster the belief that to be worthy of love and celebration we must always be perfect.

When we are not encouraged to use our creative side of our brain and we realize that we get seen, heard and understood when we use our logical side of our brain we start to put our focus there. Or most of us do, nothing is in absolutes that I blog about.

We put SO much focus on being logical that we almost forget that we have that other part of our brain that is SO important to us as humans. It is worth noting that the creative brain also holds our emotions and so it comes as no surprise I would imagine that we can feel emotionally "dead" inside when we have dedicated our lives to being so analytically focused.

It is also worth noting that our intuition is housed in this creative brain as well, so we can often believe that logic, science and research is the key to the truth, all the while ignoring our intuition which is hard wired into our biology AND our greatest guide and teacher.

I am this person. Hell I was SO focused on my logical brain that when asked how I felt in my body at any given moment I was SO detached from it I couldn't even feel anything.

If you are nodding your head and feeling like you are like this as well please know that if you want to change this it is TOTALLY doable. Everything is changeable as long as we are willing to be VERY honest with ourselves about what that looks like.

Here is a personal story to share my recent realization.

The other day I forgot my phone and I had to put on Siruis FM. I put on a 90s channel and the song Show Me Love by Robyn came on and I belted that bitch out. It was myself and the boys and even when I parked at Walmart I didn't get out and looked at the boys and poked them in their ribs while singing loudly. They looked at me like I had 3 heads. I'll admit I felt uncomfortable with them looking at me in that way. I started to think about how I must look dumb and how I can't carry a tune.

We went into Walmart afterwards and I didn't really give it another thought.

UNTIL, every single time we are getting into the vehicle now Kieran literally begs me

Mama put on that 90s station again!

Initially I was annoyed and was like

Buddy I don't want to listen to 90s right now

However, mom guilt caused me to choose to not be an asshole and just put on a 90s playlist on Spotify.

Song after song I sang, rapped and whistled TOTALLY off key and as I glanced around the vehicle Kieran looked peaceful and Jayden rolled his eyes but bopped along to the beat. LOL

On one occasion Mike was in the vehicle as well and I noticed right away that I was SO hesitant to sing. Like almost embarrassed that I would like an idiot in front of the man who I have been with for 12 fucking years and had 2 babies with. Like what the actual fuck?

But this my friends is how deep my wounds are. It takes a lot of time, patience and intention to correct the wounds of our past BUT it IS possible!

What I realized today during a session with a client was this

My heart is broken realizing that my boys have never truly seen me be carefree and happy like I am when I rap badly to 90s music

I won't even lie that I didn't cry with my client when I came to this realization because it was just so filled with shame and guilt. Like what the fuck is wrong with me that I struggle to allow my boys to see me being joyful and silly?

Want to know the worst part?

For years I truly did believe in every fibre of my being that I was being carefree and silly, when in fact, I wasn't.

I am not a person who looks back with regrets and would have, could have and should haves however this one hit me quite hard right between the eyes.

As I dropped the boys off for school this morning while belting out Gangsta's Paradise I made a passing sarcastic comment about how they don't appreciate what a good singer I am and how lucky they are to have me serenade them. The sarcasm was missed by both boys who quickly piped up saying

No No mama. We LOVE your singing. Please keep doing it.

Both of them passionate AF about ensuring that I never stop singing, did I mention awfully, those 90s tunes that just bring about so much carefreeness within me.

In the end I know with 100% confidence it literally has NOTHING to do with 90s music and EVERYTHING to do with the boys seeing me embodying happiness, silliness and joy. They literally can not get enough it.

So while there is a part of me that feels kinda shitty it took me this long to realize this, there is also another part of me that is so thankful for the realization while my boys are still at home with me. There are still so many years and so many memories to be made with their mama being silly and fun without any assistance from booze.

The more we can nourish that creative brain the better it is for our whole brained health. When we can have a good balance of both halves of the brain we are far more balanced and able to thrive in life. We are also able to create deep and safe connections with those we love when we are more balanced in our creative and logical brains.

Here is your reminder that it is MORE than ok, and actually very necessary, to practice being playful, carefree and fun without needing a substance to get there. I add this in because lowered inhibitions can often make this a whole hell of a lot easier, while also not reaping the same benefits of pushing through the discomfort of doing something outside our normal comfort zone. This also creates new neuropathways in the brain so that in the future being silly won't be such hard damn work! LOL

Let's see a raise of hands for those who are going to make a concerted effort to be more childlike? Have more fun? and give less fucks about always being logical and living life in the black and white mindset?

I would love to hear your opinions on this! Please share in the comments :)

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