Is this Real?

Yesterday, Wednesday January 7th, was a super rough day for me.

I felt completely defeated. Broken. A victim of life and circumstance.

It was the third day of "snowdays" after the holidays and Kieran decided to head to school. What would have normally taken me 15 minutes of driving ended up taking 40 minutes and by the time I arrived home I had barely anytime to prep for my 9am session.

I came into the house to an empty coffee pot and I immediately felt annoyed. But underneath that annoyance was that ever familiar feeling of "I dont matter". Paired with the rushing and the fact that I was still trying to decide whether to drive to Kingston for an event that I was looking forward to caused me to start to unravel.

Seemingly small things seem to do that these days. It's the accumulation of those small things that cause me to feel so powerless. The whole straw that broke the camels back thing you know?

I should also mention that I was on my period too and after 3 days of heavy bleeding and unpredictable routine I was left in a place where I didn't have much to give.

I had my amazing call with an amazing client. One thing I will say is this, I am so thankful for my clients. I LOVE what I do, thats never been a question, EVER. The problem is sustaining a coaching practice in today's financial climate is not easy and while I would love to say we don't need the money, we do.

Then it happened. The straw. I received a text from one of my founding phoenix's telling me that she was unable to commit to being a part of the community. BAM

My world collapsed.

I am a failure.

I have built something no one wants (she wasn't even in the group yet so obviously this is not the case at all)

I'm done

This will NEVER work

Which quickly went into a place I could not recover from

My pain was so deep I could barely function.

Now before I go on, this literally has NOTHING to do with this beautiful soul doing what is best for her. She is a badass. I am so incredibly thankful for her honestly and courage to tell me instead of just going along to get along. I love this girl and am honoured to call her a friend so when I say this has nothing to do with her, it really doesn't. She did EVERYTHING right and I am so proud of her.

However, this does not take away from what the fallout of this was.

It was as if an elephant sat on me and I was helpless to move him.

The weather started to look up so I considered going to the networking thing at 12pm in Kingston but once I finished my calls for the day at 1130am I walked out to Jayden being excited to skate together just the 2 of us and I just knew I had to follow my heart and go with him.

It was not easy my friends. I forced myself to go. That kid is deserving of my time. He is one of my biggest supporters. Hugging me so tightly that I felt like he may break a rib knowing that I was heartbroken and feeling like all my work I put into the Dangerous Age was a waste.

Now, again, before I go on I must point out that I did launch the community and the numbers weren't what I had predicted or thought based on the waitlist and the excitement leading up to launch so this also added to the deep pain and belief that I am, yet again, a failure.

It was just Jayden and I out on the Newburgh Canal for 2 hours. He mentioned a number of times how much he loved it out there and how happy he was, which obviously helped me to feel just a tiny bit better about life.

At one point he turned to me and said "Thank you for coming to hang out with me mama" and I said to him "buddy don't you ever thank people for spending time with you. You are a gift to anyone who is lucky enough to spend time with you"

And I meant EVERY word. While there was feelings of guilt coming up from not attending that seminar on Social Media I knew that at the end of the day Jayden, Kieran and Mike will always be my number 1 priority. I wasn't lucky enough to have my mom at 11 so you better believe that any chance I get I'll be there for both my dudes.

** it is 1030am on Thursday as I sit here typing this blog. I posted this morning on FB about my day yesterday and the out pouring of messages and love has me bawling at my computer.

I am so incredibly blessed to have so many amazing friends and people who care for me. For anyone who knows me you know I ALWAYS look for reasons behind why things happen. It gives me a reason for the pain and makes it less hurtful somehow.

If anything yesterday made me realize how incredibly loved I am. And while that does not heal the pain of feeling like I'm on a treadmill to nowhere with my business it does definitely lighten the load a bit.

Again, it is worth noting that The Dangerous Age Community has been unofficially open a week, and that I am a person who says "fuck it" very quickly when I feel like things aren't working, NOT my most enduring or healthy trait.

It is a part of my journey to be able to learn how to be patient. To not run away.

And THAT is what this community is going to be for me. I have 8 beautiful women beside me who believe in this and signed up with me before even really knowing what "this" is.

I have 3 ladies who have signed up and are excited to get started with the very first of weekly Masterclasses.

I never wanted this community to be anything but a slow intentionally built thing bringing in the right ladies who will create a movement and rebellion fighting back about what a woman in midlife and beyond "should" be.

Yet, all of that gets lost in my need to HURRY UP.

From now on this blog is going to be a stream of conscienceness from me. I feel healed writing this all out. It is necessary for me to do so and I figure since I promised myself 3 years of doing this I might as well share this shit openly.

Yesterday took me down deep into a hole that I was not able to get out of. But with the dawn of a new day, and more importantly the out pouring of love and support I am here and climbing out of that hole step by step today.

Even my good owl friend, George, blessed me with his presence yesterday showing off his new grown up WHO WHO WHO from out in our forest.

I am seen. I matter. And while that heavy elephant is still on my chest and my heart aches I 100% know I am loved by so many and Im so honoured to be surrounded with that energy.

Until next week this is Ashley signing off..........

thinking to myself- is it possible anyone actually read down to here? If so let me know :)