Midlife Musings: Laundry, Leftovers, and the Weight of “What Ifs”

I’m standing at the stove stirring dinner, laundry buzzing in the background, when it hits me out of nowhere:

WTF? Did I make a mistake walking away from my policing career?

It’s not that I miss the job itself (truthfully, I don’t). What I miss is the certainty—the steady paycheck, the benefits, the independence of knowing I could take care of myself financially without blinking.

That freedom felt… safe.

And now here I am, 11 years out of the 9–5 world, wondering if trying to step back into it would be impossible. Have I set myself up for failure?

The logical part of me knows that if money weren’t in the picture, this wouldn’t even be a thought. I’d be happily immersed in what I’m doing now—raising my boys, coaching women I absolutely adore, creating a life rooted in health, peace, and freedom.

But money is part of the picture. And here’s the kicker......

• Am I less valuable because I chose to stay home?

• Am I less valuable because I don’t just nod, smile, and do as I’m told in a traditional job?

• Does the gap in my résumé cancel out the depth of life I’ve lived in the meantime?

  
  

I know, in my bones, that I bring massive value to the world as a coach. My clients’ wins blow me away on the regular. Their referrals keep me going, and working with them is pure joy. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for more amazing humans to walk alongside.

And yet… here’s the honesty: I want more.

Not more stuff. Not more hustle. Not more clients crammed in back-to-back until I burn out.

I want more ease. More freedom. A life where money is never the chain around my neck. Where I don’t second-guess myself when I buy the nicer groceries or book the vacation.

Where I get to experience abundance without the mental gymnastics of scarcity.

And the irony is, when I zoom out, I already have so much more than I ever dreamed:

• Two thriving, healthy boys.

• A partner who works his ass off for our family.

• A body that’s strong and healthy.

• A peaceful home surrounded by nature.

• A coaching practice filled with people I genuinely adore.

  
  

So why does it feel so conflicting to want more money?

Maybe that’s just the paradox of midlife—the holding of opposites.

Gratitude and desire.

Peace and longing.

Joy and “what if.”

I don’t have a neat bow to tie this up with. I’m not here to preach or package it as a five-step solution. I’m just here to say out loud what I know so many of us think in the quiet moments—you can love your life deeply and still want more.

Does this resonate?

Share with me I would love to hear your thoughts.