Attitude of Gratitude

I remember when I was in my late 20s and early 30s that I would look down on the power of gratitude. I never appreciated how powerful it can be to sit with just being thankful AF.

Like, right now for example, I am sitting here looking out my back window at the gorgeous snow, smelling fresh coffee brewing while Kieran sleeps in the couch (snow day #100) and Jayden peacefully sleeps downstairs in our safe, warm and clean home.

I would have never considered sitting down and talking about how grateful I am for these things that so many take for granted.

Now I see so many reasons for gratitude.

I had an epiphany the other day that since I stopped Policing in 2015 that I have been a ball of stress in regards to helping the family financially. The choice to step away from Policing was easy, I don't miss it at all, what I do miss is the financial stability. The normal pay cheque bi weekly no questions asked. The benefits. These are things that I earned and I didn't realize how much they meant to my independence until they were gone and I was left scrambling to figure out how to help the household financially.

Still, to this day it has been my focus, because lets be honest life is expensive when your kiddos are good at sports. LOL

But as I laid in bed last week I had this moment of OMFG am I going to look back when I am 80 and be like FUCK I wish i didn't worry so much during those years about finding the thing to make enough money to make me feel worthy.

Because lets be honest that is what this is really about. Worthiness.

Mike has never once said anything about this to me BTW this is all internal. Everytime I go on a tri-raid about going to get a normal JOB he is like. "babe that wont work" and he is right. I am the primary parent, he travels for work and has like zero predictability so until the boys are older we need someone like me who is always there and available, and in all honesty I love being that person.

I don't want a normal JOB. I love what I do for a living. I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was flooded with clients during COVID I had to pinch myself daily because I could not believe how amazing life was. Yet, as I sit here remembering, it still was never enough.

Damn that theme is so prevalent in my life.

Now before anyone jumps in saying money doesn't buy happiness, I agree full heartedly. However, money does provide safety, of shelter and food so when there is a feeling of "not enough" it weighs heavily.

I have now switched to being so damn proud of where I can saving money so we can continue to have 10 plus hotel stays a year all over North America so Jayden can live his dream of playing hockey at the highest level. I pack all our food always, even home games which are an hour away, I bring food for the family so we don't need to eat out. We always travel as a pack, the 4 of us, and we are so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing hockey family that welcomes Kieran in with open arms as well.

When grocery shopping I always buy stuff on sale and bulk buy and cook to try to save some money on food, which is one of the biggest expenses these days.

One thing I am not worried about is being the best and most loving mom humanly possible. I have a great sense of pride that the boys are growing up with a mom who is always available when they need her. Sick days, snow days you name it I can be there. Until very recently I used to make my days seem busier than they were because I was almost ashamed or embarrased about my free time. Like somehow I am not at all relatable because I don't work outside them home.

Hell maybe I am not relatable. I don't know. But one thing I do know is this, I LOVE helping women to feel better. I LOVE being there to help them figure things out and move forward with a plan. I love being able to bring together ladies to find their new best friend. I know I have a gift in these things. So moving forward that is my focus. Moving forward day after day. Bit by bit. Knowing and trusting the universe has my back and everything will work out as it should.

Because I am deserving of abundance and happiness and I refuse to look back and remember worrying about money and my worthiness because in the end I am worthy. This is my thoughts on Monday Jan 19th after a weekend away in Buffalo for hockey, which was an absolute blast BTW.