I Think I’ve Been Trying To Heal Myself In Public For Over A Decade

Facebook memories are honestly suck a mind fuck.

One minute it’s your kid wearing rain boots backwards in 2016.

The next it’s : “Here’s a memory of you launching your 47th life-changing business idea with the energy of a woman absolutely convinced THIS ONE is the thing.”

And lately my memories have basically become a montage of me trying to save the world one emotionally vulnerable workshop at a time.

Self-sabotage workshops.

The Me Movement community.

Renting an actual boat to host a body image workshop because apparently I believed healing should happen offshore.

The Dangerous Age.

Masterclasses.

Challenges.

Women’s groups.

Retreat ideas.

Speaking engagements.

And then sprinkled in between all of that are approximately 74 certifications.

Health coach.

Life coach.

Trauma-informed somatic practitioner.

Internal Family Systems.

Attachment theory.

Nervous system regulation.

Menopause certification.

Honestly if there’s a human struggle available for study, there’s a strong chance I’ve tried to get certified in it.

Mike always jokes:

“If Ashley has a problem she’ll just go get certified in it and then teach other people how to overcome it too.”

And honestly?

That’s not entirely inaccurate.

But the truth is… every certification came during a season where I genuinely needed that knowledge.

Sometimes for me.

Sometimes for my family.

Sometimes for the women I was supporting.

Usually all three.

Because I’ve never really learned things casually.

I learn things like my life depends on it.

And To Be Fair… I’ve Done Some Pretty Incredible Things

When I really sit back and think about it, I’ve helped hundreds of women over the years.

I’ve watched women completely change how they see themselves.

I’ve watched women leave abusive relationships.

Start businesses.

Heal marriages.

Set boundaries.

Stop hating themselves.

Feel seen for the first time in decades.

I’ve walked onto corporate stages I had absolutely no business being on according to my own self-doubt.

And somehow…I’ve always done well once I’m actually in the room.

That’s the part that’s weird.

Because it’s never really been about whether I’m a good coach.

I know I’m a good coach.

Actually, fuck it.

I know I’m an exceptional coach.

Not because I know everything.

Not because I’m perfect.

But because people feel safe with me.

People feel understood with me.

And you cannot teach that.

But Here’s The Part Nobody Really Talks About

Being good at coaching and being good at entrepreneurship are not the same skill.

And I think for years I kept believing eventually they would magically merge together.

Like one day I’d wake up and suddenly become a patient, strategic, systems-loving businesswoman who enjoys funnels and consistency and long-term scaling plans.

Instead I’m basically a deeply passionate golden retriever with emotional intelligence and burnout issues.

I get excited.

I go ALL IN.

I obsess.

I create.

I overgive.I care too much.

And eventually my nervous system quietly files a formal complaint against me.

Because as much as I hate admitting this…

I suck at the longevity part.

I suck at the slow burn.

I suck at the “keep showing up for three years while engagement is low” part.

I suck at pretending not to care whether people value what I offer.

I’ve gotten better over the years.

But honestly?

I still have very little patience.

Especially when it comes to proving my worth.

Because I already know my worth.

And I think that’s the strange emotional mind fuck I’ve been sitting in lately:

Having extremely high confidence in your abilities…

while simultaneously being unable to build the financial stability you thought those abilities would create. It’s such a weird place to live emotionally.

Because from the outside people probably assume confidence automatically equals success. But confidence doesn’t magically make you immune to burnout.

Or algorithms.

Or financial pressure.

Or the emotional exhaustion of constantly marketing yourself.

Sometimes I Wonder If I Was Built More For Impact Than Hustle

And maybe that sounds like a cop out.

I don’t know.

But I genuinely think some people are extraordinary at the work itself…and terrible at turning themselves into a machine around the work.

That’s me.

I can sit with a woman in her deepest pain and help her find herself again.

But ask me to create a 90-day marketing strategy and suddenly I need to lay face down on the floor for six to eight business days.

And honestly?

I think for years I’ve felt shame around that.

Because entrepreneurship culture worships consistency.

Hustle.

Scale.

Growth.

Visibility.

Meanwhile I’m over here having existential crises because Instagram engagement dropped and I suddenly decide I should become a farmer and disappear into the woods.

But Maybe None Of It Was Wasted

That’s the thing I’m trying to remember lately.

None of it was wasted.

Not the certifications.

Not the workshops.

Not the communities.

Not the failed launches.

Not the women who cried in front of me.

Not the women who healed beside me.

None of it.

Because even if I never built the massive coaching empire I thought I would…

I still became someone women trusted with their truth.

And honestly?

That feels pretty fucking meaningful too.