Living in a World I Don't Recognize Anymore

There’s a strange, lonely feeling that comes with healing.

For so long, I lived in a world that made sense to me, not because it was good, but because it matched the darkness inside me. When you’re walking through life full of trauma, fear, and anger, the world doesn’t feel quite as hostile.

In some ways, it’s almost comforting. You’re surrounded by others who are also hurt, angry, and disconnected. You blend right in.

I’m not saying I’m fully healed or floating above everyone else on a cloud of enlightenment.

Far from it.

But I am not who I used to be.

I used to believe that because I had endured so much loss, trauma, and straight-up BS, I was owed a good life. I walked through my days selfish, detached, and not caring about anyone else’s pain because, honestly, I felt like mine was worse.

And then… I changed.

Healing has a way of pulling the rug out from under you. It forces you to see the parts of yourself you didn’t want to face, and it strips away the excuses you used to hide behind.

Now, I look around and realize I don’t recognize this world anymore. I see people living in that same angry, fearful, self-centered way I once did and it’s triggering. Not because I think I’m better than them, but because it’s like watching my old self in real time.

Sometimes I doom-scroll through social media, almost desperately searching for proof that the world isn’t as bad as it seems. I want to find the comments, the kindness, the little reminders that people aren’t all assholes.

But more often than not, I find the opposite. More division. More hate. More proof that humanity is broken.

And still… I keep scrolling.

Why? I don’t know.

Maybe part of me is still looking for the comfort of my old worldview.

Maybe it’s a test I keep failing.

Or maybe it’s just human nature to peek at the wreckage, even when you’re trying to rebuild.

What I do know is this: If you’ve ever felt like an outsider in a world that seems darker than you remember, especially after you’ve done the work to heal, you’re not alone.

It’s disorienting to outgrow a place that once felt familiar, even if that place was toxic.

So, I’m sharing this not as a neat, tied-up-with-a-bow story of personal growth, but as a messy truth. I’m still figuring it out. Still catching myself slipping back into old habits. Still searching for the light in a world that sometimes feels so damn heavy.

If nothing else, maybe this is just a reminder, for you and for me, that it’s okay to feel both proud of how far you’ve come and deeply unsettled by the world you’re walking through.

Healing doesn’t mean the world changes. It means you do. And that can be both beautiful and lonely.