Navigating Life Without My Mom: My Journey Through Grief and the Mother Wound

Losing my mom at just nine years old reshaped my life in ways I am still learning to understand. The anniversary of her death was Monday and it got to me to reflecting.

Grief is not a simple emotion. It is filled with layers and complexities. For years, I wrestled with feelings that were difficult to put into words. Along with this painful experience, I also had to face what many call the "mother wound." This emotional scar affects how we view ourselves and interact with others.

Here’s my journey through this challenging yet transformative experience.

The Initial Shock of Loss

I can still vividly remember that fateful day, June 9, 1992. It was a regular morning; I headed to school like every other day but was SO excited when dad showed up to get me early. I remember the way all the kids and my teacher looked at me with sadness in their eyes. As we walked away with my 2 nieces, I sensed that something was terribly wrong. The air was thick with tension as he delivered the heartbreaking news. My mom was gone.

In that moment, my world turned gray. I was plunged into confusion and sadness, grappling with thoughts of "Why me?" I felt isolated, trapped in a reality that others couldn’t understand.

Processing Grief

Understanding grief, especially at the age of nine, is incredibly challenging. The emotions hit like waves—sometimes overwhelming anger, other times a heavy numbness that clung to me. Friends and classmates, unable to grasp my situation, often left me feeling alone. My solace was often found in solitude, but this also meant battling a profound loneliness.

One painful aspect was watching my dad cope with his own grief while trying to support me. This complex emotional landscape made it difficult for me to voice my feelings. I worried that sharing my hurt would only add to his sorrow.

The Emergence of the Mother Wound

As I grew older, I started to notice another layer of pain—the mother wound. This term describes the emotional struggles many women face when there is an absence of maternal support, either through loss or emotional distance.

I yearned for the nurturing presence that was glaringly absent in my life. Other girls would share stories about their moms—how they celebrated milestones or offered a comforting ear. I navigated these moments alone. And while others tried to be that maternal presence it was never the same by no fault of anyone.

Facing the Impact on Relationships

Entering my teenage years, the mother wound clearly impacted my relationships. I found myself gravitating towards partners who were emotionally unavailable, mirroring my childhood experiences. This felt familiar, almost normal. Over time, I realized I was seeking love and validation where it was often denied, developing cycles of hurt and dependency.

My friendships also suffered from my unresolved feelings. I worked hard to please others, hoping to find a sense of belonging. Yet beneath this effort, I struggled with a crippling sense of inadequacy. I often questioned whether I deserved the love I sought.

Finding Healing Through Community

Finding my voice in supportive communities was transformative for me. When I got accepted into the Compassionate Inquiry Community ran by Gabor Mate I was amongst people who understood my pain and became my lifelines. They helped me untangle the complex feelings tied to my mother wound. I realized I was not alone in this experience. Sharing my story became a cathartic process, offering relief.

I learned the value of self-compassion and how to allow space for both grief and joy. I set intentions for my healing journey, incorporating mindfulness techniques that helped me address my pain. Reports show that 70% of individuals who engage in support groups report a significant decrease in feelings of isolation and a rise in emotional stability.

Rebuilding My Identity

Defining my identity without my mother was another vital step in my journey. I understood that her absence did not lessen the love I felt for her or the memories I cherished. I immersed myself in discovering new aspects of who I am—my interests, goals, and aspirations that flourished outside the shadow of loss.

This journey of self-exploration was empowering. I took up creative activities, found joy in writing, and poured my emotions into lifting heavy shit. This allowed me to craft a new narrative, one that acknowledged my pain while celebrating my growth.

Embracing the Journey

Navigating life without my mom has been filled with ups and downs. While I still encounter the effects of the mother wound, I have come to value the resilience it has cultivated within me.

Grief is part of my life story, but it does not define who I am. I honour my mother’s memory by fully engaging with life, embracing vulnerability, and practicing self-love. Each cherished memory or sudden reminder of her brings a smile to my face, reminding me of the profound impact she continues to have on my life.

Moving Forward Together

The heartache of losing my mom at a young age created a complex reality filled with grief and the heavy weight of the mother wound. Yet, it has also been a journey of profound growth and understanding. Healing is not a straight path; the challenges are many, but they open doors to strength, connection, and self-acceptance.

Every woman carrying similar experiences has both pain and the capacity for immense resilience. Let's continue sharing our stories and supporting one another on our journeys. Together, we can empower each other to heal and thrive.