Scraps

All my life I have been willing to live with the bare minimum. While you may be saying things like “that is a good thing” or “at least you had something” I want you to take a step back and get curious as I share this with you.

Imagine a baby or small child for a moment. Imagine them gazing out into the world searching for safety and kind eyes but being met with vacant eyes or maybe even no eyes at all.

Allow that to set in my friends, because that is what a lot of people have experienced in their early years.

Our biology is hardwired for connection. It is not a nice to have, it is a NEED to have.

So when we are young and we are searching for those kind, loving and attuned eyes and we don’t receive that there is a void.

A BIG void

Our gaze needs to land somewhere and when it doesn’t or the person isn’t able to look at us with love in our eyes we internalize that WE are unlovable.

That WE are the problem and there is something wrong with us, not the other person.

Before I go on, please know I am not shaming anyone here. There are so many reasons that our “mothering figure” wasn’t able to be there for us. I say mothering figure because it doesn’t need to be a mom per se just a person with that mothering energy.

As we grow up we will be endlessly searching to fill that void not understanding that the void is even there usually.

This was me. Tack on top some major “daddy issues” with choosing older, emotionally unavailable, and abusive assholes as partners and you got a fucking shit sandwich.

The smallest amount of attention or “love” being thrown my way was like a drug I could never get enough of.

When I reflect back on my life I have so many “what the fuck was I thinking” moments.

I used to look at all these choices shamefully believing that I am a worthless piece of shit and that no wonder everyone leaves me or abuses me, it is what I deserve.

It has taken a lot of fucking therapy, years, and I am not even remotely close to scratching the surface of healing, but with that said, I am ok with it.

I can’t change what my life has been up until this point, and I am not sure I would honestly.

But what I am planning on changing is my belief that living on scraps is a badge of honour that I need to be carrying around.

Fuck that shit!

There is no prize at the end of our lives for living on the bare minimum, and I am not talking about stuff and things friends, I am talking about experiences and relationships.

I want DEEP and meaningful connections. I want to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and I snort uncontrollably.

I want to be able to dance and sing without fearing what others think.

I want to be able to sit in complete silence with another person and not feel like my skin is going to crawl right off my bones.

I want to eat amazing and flavourful food without looking at the calories or caring.

I want to feel completely safe internally, something I am dying for, but just not quite there yet.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for what I WANT and what I deserve.

I encourage you to grab and journal and sit down and think about what it is that TRULY brings you joy. Like truly. Once you have those things ask yourself why it is that it brings you joy. Make sure it actually does bring you joy RIGHT NOW, not 20 years ago.

Fuck mediocrity friends, WE deserve magic!